Ahhh....deep

So I'm teaching a grade 8 English class today. We're doing poetry, more specifically lyrics as poetry.

We're listening to a tune by the Ben Folds Five called "Brick", which is about a woman having an abortion.

It includes the following lines:

Up the stairs to her apartment
She is balled up on the couch


After listening to the lyrics, we're discussing what their interpretations might be. One of the kids says he thinks it's probably about a woman with cancer.

I asked him why he would say that.

He says "Well, because the song says she was 'bald up on the couch.'"

Touching.

At least I'm still taller than them.

Tomorrow is the day I have to go put on my substitute teacher hat.

I'm in a grade 2/3 class. It's a repeat. My coworkers are chuckling, because I'm going back into the class with "the boob sniffer".

Last time I was there, one of the little girls hugged me. Fine. While many teachers have the rule "don't touch the children", I think that's ridiculous and highly impossible. My rule is "don't STROKE the children".

Anyway, later on that day, this girl came up and started sniffing my right breast. Then she hugged me again and said "I like hugging you because you smell so good." So, rather than being the creepy, inappropriate gesture I thought it was, it was just an unfortunate combination of larger-than-average second grader, with smaller-than-average teacher.

Stay tuned....I'm putting out a special line of "eau de brassiere" soon.

Why I'm not a kindergarten teacher

So, one day of the week I am a substitute teacher. The gods laugh at me and put me in a primary-level class EVERY week.

However, although I can fake it for a day, I don't think I'm cut out to be a kindergarten teacher.

Behold the following conversation that happened today:

Three foot whiner: Teacher, teacher, Jack pushed me.

Me: Wow, that's too bad.

Of course, that put a stop to the whole stupid tattling conversation, so maybe I've stumbled across something. :)

Awww....the nurturer

Well gentle blog readers, as any of you who know me in real life know, I'm now a full-fledged teacher. Drama at that, which amuses me, because although I know a whole lot about jazz hands and kick lines, I am very much still learning about teaching "drama". Let's just say we ain't exactly covering Shakespeare.

But heck, I'm doing what I love and getting paid for it. Well, technically I don't get paid to put on the musical, but that's really a good thing. Because if I were paid, I wouldn't be able to give my big speech that I whip out every year when the kids start missing rehearsals.

I call it "The Guilt Speech".

It has elements of the following:

- "There are things I'd like to be doing with my weekend too! There are choices I have to make, because I've made a commitment to you."

- "When you skip rehearsal, you're not just letting ME down, you're letting down the entire cast! These people have made the commitment to be here, and now we have re-do stuff for those that missed a rehearsal."

And, the piece de resistance:

- "Do you how much I get paid to be putting hours and hours and hours of my time into this show? NOTHING."

Somehow it loses its effect if the answer was "a few thousand dollars". :)


So today in class I go over to one of the cast members who missed rehearsal yesterday (and has never missed rehearsal before).

"Johnny, I missed you at rehearsal yesterday afternoon."

"There was rehearsal?" he says, looking a little panic-striken.

"Yes, check your schedule."

I start the class. I look back and the kid is beside himself. He's starting to tear up and is wringing his hands and shaking his head.

Many might be concerned. I am slightly satisfied that my speech works so well in self induced guilt-trips. :)

Ahhh....to be 13

Teaching a grade 8 language arts class....

We were having a discussion about what "capital punishment" was. One of the girls said that it was probably a BIG punishment, because of the word "capital".

I said she had it exactly right, and what was the worst punishment?

"Getting grounded?"

No, sorry, capital punishment actually means they take away your cell phone.

Questions

So, every year, during every rehearsal I have a period I call "stupid question time". This is the time when the kids can ask me all those burning questions that either:

a) I've answered a million times before

or

b) have no significance for anyone but themselves

or

c) have no significance period.


Usually this is a long but necessary part of the show. It's a new experience for most of them, and there are lots of unknowns. Fine.

But this year's batch of kids has a noticeable lack of questions, and it concerns me a little. Are they just understanding everything, or are they too dense to realize what they're missing?

Since they haven't come up with many questions of their own, I have thought of a few that I will have them draw out of a hat to ask me:

"How can we make our dancing less craptastic?"

"What sort of alcoholic beverage would you like us to provide you after the dress rehearsal?"

"Is it ok if I pass the hat to take up a collection for a lovely director's gift?"

"You guys are laughing WITH us, not AT us, right?"

Enter: Crazy Week

Well, it's the long weekend. Which means all-day practices on Sunday and Monday and the epitome of craziness.

I must be getting tired though, cause even another teacher remarked that I was a lot calmer than she would have been when this happened yesterday...

A girl came in with her mother. She is playing the cat in the show. We had found a kick-ass costume for her - literally, a cat suit, complete with tail and everything for $6. We were thrilled.

Princess Diva (as she will now be referred to) comes in and has her mom ask if it's ok if they run to a local costume shop and find another cat suit and she will rent it for the week. The reason? The costume we had for her was "hideous". Uh huh.

At the time, I believe my overtired, lack of caring response was "sure, no problem, whatever."


My true thoughts, in order of appearance:

-is this a joke?

-if you want hideous, you should probably check out your dancing in the song.

-you should see what I'm going to make you wear NEXT year


Too bad Princess Diva couldn't find a cat suit she liked at the rental place. She's stuck with the one we found her. Meow.